There is a little girl who is near and dear to my heart. She was sweet and kind by nature, but there was another side to her. The tattling side.
She tattled when she saw someone take another child’s toy. She tattled when someone wasn’t following directions. She tattled when someone said something she didn’t want to hear. She was, as some put it, “a tattler.”
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One year she had a teacher who was so frustrated by her tattling. “No classroom jobs for you,” said the teacher. The tattling persisted. “You will sit all by yourself now,” the teacher decided. Still, there was more tattling. “Now you will not talk to your friends,” the teacher insisted.
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The little girl broke down in tears. She never intended for any of these things to happen. On the contrary, that was the last thing she wished to happen.
This little girl was me. I was a tattler. I got into trouble for it — lots of trouble that specific year. The truth of the matter though is that I was misunderstood. To this day I wish someone would have taken the time to help me through my struggles. All I needed was a caring, understanding adult — not punishment and isolation.
I wasn’t trying to get people in trouble.
I wasn’t trying to drive adults crazy.
I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do.
My friend and I were talking about tattling on one occasion, and when I heard her talk about tattling, I realized that she understood the deeper roots to a child who tattles. How I wish that I had found a teacher as understanding and empathetic as her back then. Unfortunately, there were some teachers who completely misunderstood my tattling, and I have some very painful memories because of it.
As an adult, I can look back on my words, and now I see what I was truly saying. You see, children say things, but mean something else. They just don’t have the language to truly convey what is on their hearts.
Why Children Tattle
When I was talking to the teacher, this is what I was really saying:
I am looking for consistency.
I think that I am doing the right thing.
I am trying to be helpful.
I need help problem solving with another child.
Children who are tattling are communicating. They are careful observers, and it is these little ones who are most aware of our consistencies, and sometimes they are questioning them.
Many times they are following classroom rules and pointing out when this is not being followed by everyone.
If a child thinks that you probably overlooked the action of someone else, this is another time they will bring it to an adult’s attention.
Lastly, children may not have the experience or words to work out a confrontation or disagreement with a peer. They need words and encouragement to work through this peer to peer.
Tattling looks a little different for each child. Take a deeper look though, and you can find the hidden message behind their intentions.
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Very insightful post that will hopefully make teachers think before the penalize the child for tattling. Thank you!
I hope so too, Darlene! Thank you for the encouraging comment!
This is an awesome post that needs desperately to be understood by preschool teachers. Many preschool teachers focus on how they themselves are affected by what a child does instead of how the world around them is affecting the child. We must step outside ourselves and into the mind of every child. That is how we truly teach and help these young, marvelous, special creations of God.
Beautifully said, Katie! Thank you for all you do for young children :).
THANKS TO YOU FOR YOUR AWESOME STORY. IT WILL HELP A TEACHER TO UNDERSTAND A TATTLE CHILD CLEARLY .
That means so much to me, Shaiba. I hope this helps many teachers!
I love this post, Katie. It’s so insightful. Have you ever read any of the Conscious Discipline ideas about tattling? They are very similar to the experiences that you had. I can’t find the exact post from them, but there’s a snippet in this thread: https://www.facebook.com/ConsciousDiscipline/posts/10152906467310107
~Jamie
That link is a MUST read!! I am finding more and more how much Conscious Discipline and I align. I absolutely wish they would offer a course near me. Thank you so much for sharing this, Jamie!
I totally agree!! Thank you for sharing this. Too many times I hear adults turning away kids even when they are clearly reporting something serious.
Yes, teachers and adults should be approachable!! We want children to know that they can trust us and come to us, and we can help teach them what is really important or walk them through how to work it out. Thank you for your comment, Salena :).
As always, your post has given me a lot to think about. I think so often parents and teachers find tattling to be a problem and want to dismiss it or want to “break that bad habit,” as you personally experienced. I love the reasons you give for tattling, as they are absolutely true. Tattling is not always a bad thing as sometimes it is the only way a child knows how to communicate with you, their parent, teacher or caregiver, and we do not want to give children a reason not to speak and voice their concerns. I love this post.
Wow thank you so much for this post. I haveva 2.5 year old that I was thinking might be goinh down the road of “tattling.” Except in didnt think of it as tattling but her way of questioning why someone else doesn’t have to follow the same rules. Now i can see that there are additional things she might be communicating.
I love hearing this, Karen! Thank you for the wonderful comment :).
I understand the point of tattling but how can I improve the situation where tattling is not good for anyone here? My daughter is hanging out with a tattling friend and eventhough they’re closed, she feel intimidiated by tattling behaviour. Her tattling friend always point any action as inappropriate and sometimes even making bad assumptions about my girl. She is a nice kid and young and I understand her reason.
That can be so hard, Ann! I think this is two-fold. Your own daughter probably needs some help and guidance with being assertive toward the tattling. For example, when children can become consumed in tattling, it can become a form of manipulation. Your daughter needs to feel comfortable telling the friend that she does not appreciate the tattling and that what she is doing is fine. For example, I overheard a conversation where one child told the other tattling child, “If you keep doing this, I won’t play with you.” That stopped the tattling immediately. This will take time and practice.
Also, connect with the tattling friend. When she points out something that is wrong, and it obviously isn’t, ask her why she feels that way. Then gently explain that it’s fine. Or ask “how do you think that can be fixed?” Also, sometimes children just have strong feelings, and I just acknowledge they feel that way without agreeing with them. I’ll say “I hear you. You don’t want your friend to play with this.” I still let the friend play with something, but by simply repeating what the child said, they feel as though I’ve listened. And sometimes, they just want to be heard, even if they don’t get the exact outcome.
Good luck to you all. It’s not easy!